How to Fail Exams

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1985

NOTE: This is a satirical article.

Hey there! Sit back and just relax. You have nothing to worry about. I know exams are stressful and prior to that, the ordeal that you go through in preparations are time-consuming. And indeed, not worth it at all: Depriving you of your precious free time instead of enjoying to the fullest by doing better things that make you laugh and delightful. Yes, you don’t have to be buried by books, which even after you have read 1,000 times over and over again, you will end up understanding nothing.

Caution: I hereby apologize in advance for anything that you might disapprove of.

Before you proceed reading, allow me to pose a question, which you don’t have to answer now, or even afterwards: Why do you have to struggle when you are dead sure (anyway destined) that you will fail? – If you are good at dancing, singing or athletics, why bother with Calculus and Chemistry? Think about it.

Nevertheless, if we are now on the same boat, let me inspire you of ways that you can undertake in order to fail spectacularly. I promise, they are simple, trouble-free and facile steps. So, let’s crack on.

  1. First, do not show up for classes. Even if you do, come and go as you please. When asked for reasons for your absence, give ultimate all-purpose excuses.
  2. Do not take down notes or pay attention to deadlines for submitting your assignments.
  3. You read absolutely nothing. Simple, right?
  4. Wake up late and go to school as if there is nothing that bothers you. Well, is there any?
  5. Go to WikiLeaks or otherwise set up a high-profile meeting with Julius Assange at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, that is, if you have the capacity, asking him to get you a copy of the exams, or ‘fake’ it if you can’t. Then shout out to everyone that you have a leakage. Hmmm, what an idea!
  6. Talk the entire exam time and read out the questions aloud, then debate the answers with yourself, loudly. If the instructor approaches you and demands that you cease, tell them: “I’m so sure that you are able to hear me thinking unless you are deaf, SIIIIR!”
  7. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, then invent one. This is where you discover that you are super genius. Who knows, perhaps you will end up being employed by NASA for writing in an Alien language that they have been trying to comprehend. You might outwit even the greatest minds like that of Stephen Hawking.
  8. If you are bored of MATHS (standing for; Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students), then it’s time for you to pay back just to impress them with your mathematical skills. For example, when a question asks you to solve what is 1 + 1 =? Just write 11. Perfect answer for a childish question, right? If it’s Chemistry or Math questions, answer in essay format; if it is a long answer question, then use numbers and symbols. Be creative. This is another way of developing your skills.
  9. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Afterwards, aim them at the instructor’s head when they are walking past you. Put the blame on the one sitting next you. However, if the tide turns against you (the instructor suspects you), begin a brawl and erupt chaos in the whole exam hall. This will make everyone fail with you, and you’ll be the top student! Impressive!
  10. Use invisible ink to answer the whole exam. Play illusion games with the examiners and trust me, you have every rights to do that.
  11. Finally, if you are in no mood of stressing your teacher who is going to mark your exam paper, do not write anything at all – not even you name. But draw everything on it!

 

Well, there you have it. One idea plus another one, made up eleven ideas. If you don’t understand, then you don’t have to. (Hint: Revisit number 8)

Warning: fail at your own risk!

If you have a different viewpoint or a disagreement, then you don’t have to let me know. Absolutely not. I thank you for reading to this last word.

Adieu.